Friday, April 29, 2011

(500) Days of Summer (10/10)

'This is not a love story. This is a story about love.'

A surprisingly wonderful movie. Surprising because at first glance it seems to be the usual romantic tripe that Hollywood is bursting with. Instead what we get is a refreshingly honest, adult and intelligent look at (non)relationships. A simple story that is portrayed brilliantly thanks to taut, understated direction, good acting and good dialogues. A testament to how much you can do with simplicity.

Our hero, a young, naive, romantic guy, Tom, falls hopelessly in love with his boss' new assistant, Summer. Unfortunately for him, Summer doesnt believe in love. Her thoughts on the subject are summed up by this exchange:

Tom: What happens if you fall in love?
Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?
Tom: It's love. It's not Santa Claus.


Nevertheless, she finds Tom interesting and they start seeing each other. Steadily their relationship develops from being colleagues, to friends, to lovers and a bit more. Summer still refuses to acknowledge that they're anything more than mere friends which annoys the hell out of Tom. Witness this exchange:

Summer: We're just friends.
Tom: No! Don't pull that with me! Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends my balls!


And so the relationship starts, develops and inexorably winds towards a conclusion that is a little bit sad, a little bit happy and a little bit liberating all at the same time.

A movie that is touching in its own simple way and a must-see for all the naive romantics out there (including yours truly :-p)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Computer - Male or Female?

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine - "la maison." ; "Pencil," however, is masculine "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time THEY are the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Bobby writes to God

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behaviour over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Bobby


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.
Your friend Bobby


Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby


Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, he wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,
Bobby


Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. He went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE !!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

How to reject rejections

Subject: Human Resources


Dear Hiring Manager,


Thank you for your letter of March 16.


After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.


Despite your firm's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.


Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.


Sincerely, Interviewee

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Problem-solving the Qantas way

Qantas is an airline company based in Australia. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.





P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.




P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit





P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.





P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed





P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level





P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for





P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode





P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right





P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search





P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious





P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics





P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed





P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Complaints from tenants

These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats !!!

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Sick notes

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

2. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

3. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

4. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.