Thursday, December 22, 2011

Football jokes from The Guardian

--- ...thundered a City statement before insisting that the club couldn't be more committed to transparency if it stuck a wedding ring on its finger and sired its children.

--- "Can I be one of 1,057 Bible-toting pedants to point out that Jesus would have had a hard time fixing anything in Sodom on a wet Wednesday (yesterday's Fiver), given that His Dad had destroyed the city a good while before he was born?" - Mark Rae (and one other Bible-toting pedant).

--- ...in temperatures Satan himself would have objected to as excessively hot...

--- Arsenal want the Birmingham defender Scott Dann, despite him being a real-life defender

--- Chelsea manager André Villas-Boas may open talks with Kaká instead. The Brazilian famously belongs to Jesus, who currently sub-lets him to Spanish club Real Madrid

--- Foster could initially move on loan, giving Roy Hodgson time to see if the 28-year-old is a big enough galoot to fill Scott Carson's recently vacated oversized clown shoes.

--- Dirk Kuyt has insisted he's staying put despite strong interest from Internazionale, who are looking to inject a lack of pace into their front line.

--- With new captain Robin van Persie suspended for the crime of shooting on goal while wearing an Arsenal shirt, Udinese will now face a forward line of Marouane Chamakh, Andriy Arshavin and Gervinho. While on the bench there could be places for such junior hopefuls as exciting Keith Pot-Noodle, the current captain of Malaysia's all-conquering Under-12s and an as-yet-unnamed Brazilian foetus of indeterminate gender.

--- "I'm starting to think you're making up your relatives. Weird Nephew Fiver implies Wired Uncle Fiver has at least once ... well, you know ... with a lady, and that's just not plausible" - Matt Corbishley (and others).

--- Marseille want to pay £6m worth of real money for the flailing goal-hulk Carlton "Can't Buy A Goal" Cole. Didier Deschamps's team have scored only 17 times in 16 Ligue 1 games this season, a situation that will no doubt change completely the moment Carlton "Can't Control" Cole arrives in town with his red and white handkerchief on a knotty stick slung over his shoulder.

--- Having got shot of Sotirios Kyrgiakos, Liverpool are in the market for a defender to sit alongside Martin Skrtel on the bench.

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