Thursday, March 03, 2011

Football Jokes from the Guardian, Part 4

--- "I don't ask my strikers to score. I ask them to play for the team," says Carlo Ancelotti, as he wrote notes instructing the groundsman not to cut the grass, John Terry not to cry at the slightest setback and the Mill not to write tiresome lies.

--- Alan Pardew has noticed a few fans snoozing on the back rows at St James' Park of late, so he'll snap up John Arne Riise in the summer to smack shots wildly over the bar and into the unsuspecting faces of sleepy supporters.

--- "It won't be easy for me to choose between my strikers," parped Fabio Capello, triumphant boss of England, who after winning in Denmark last night are naturally now favourites to win Euro 2012 and the 2014 and 2018 World Cups.

--- The Arsenal flock was ordered to sit on bare stools while the head of the family again held forth on the immorality of profligacy and suggested that Chelsea, after splurging over £75m on Fernando Torres and David Luiz, are headed for yet more expenditure as well as eternal fiery torment in Hell's foulest pit.

--- It was natural that the new owners' first move to increase their profile should be to bid for a big Brazilian. The main flaw with the January bid for Ronaldinho was an apparent decision to lodge it with journalists rather than the player's agent.

--- "Manchester United? It is a great club, but I cannot say anymore," he said, before saying some more. "We will wait and see what happens during the summer. I might play abroad, but I do not know where."

--- Jack Wilshere's rare gift of being English and being able to pass the ball to someone else who is English is quite promising

--- "I think of an action but I can't do it the way I want to; it's time to go," he told reporters, who could be forgiven for expecting him to finish that sentence with the words "to Scotland".

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