Monday, March 28, 2011

Big John doesn't pay!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Hell - Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."

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Saturday, March 05, 2011

Coincidences... Destiny... God? No! SIGNS

'Coincidences', 'destiny', 'fate'... nothing more than empty words. It is us who fill them with meaning. Or not!

I've been thinking a lot about coincidences in these days. My life has changed in a huge way this year. And every so often I wonder about the littlest of coincidences that have brought me to this moment. Now, there are two ways to look at coincidences. There are those who believe in destiny, that everything in our lives is already planned and then there are those who believe that everything is chance. I fall somewhere in the middle. I believe that coincidences are 'Signs' that the universe gives me to help me direct my life.

For starters, I don't think that there is a grand design to this world. I don't believe in God as an entity who actively monitors my life and will reward me for my virtues and punish me for my sins. I've witnessed too much cruelty and horrific depths of depravity plumbed by mankind to still believe in a just God. I fail to understand why such a God would tolerate so much cruelty. If God is really all-knowing and all-powerful why allow people to commit sins, or even better why create people with such depraved minds? If this world is really controlled by a God, it seems like we are a game to Him. Give man the possibility to sin, make it attractive to sin, and then punish him for it! No! I don't buy it.

So, I don't believe that my fate is already written, but I don't believe that its all chance either. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I value coincidences lower than destiny but much higher than chance. Perhaps they don't have this value. But I give them value exactly by basing my decisions on them. It is not easy to make sense out of the chaos that is this world. I believe coincidences are a way for the universe to make a bit of order out of the chaos. Why waste this little help that the universe offers us? I've seen too many occurences in my life that are too significant to be just accidents. This just re-inforces my belief that they are not to be wasted. I believe that my belief in them as signs saves these coincidences from being in vain and gives them meaning.

I don't believe that somebody has already decided how my life will turn out. It is me who has to direct my life based on my decisions and choices. And everytime that I face a decision that can't be made based solely on logic, I need something else to guide me. It is these signs that guide me.

Obviously for those who don't believe, these will remain just meaningless coincidences. In the end it is the belief that counts. Everything in this world is empty and meaningless. Nothing has meaning by itself. It is we who give meaning to things by our beliefs and convictions. We all need something to believe in. Some believe in God. Some in faith. Others in nothing. I believe in 'Signs'.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Football Jokes from the Guardian, Part 4

--- "I don't ask my strikers to score. I ask them to play for the team," says Carlo Ancelotti, as he wrote notes instructing the groundsman not to cut the grass, John Terry not to cry at the slightest setback and the Mill not to write tiresome lies.

--- Alan Pardew has noticed a few fans snoozing on the back rows at St James' Park of late, so he'll snap up John Arne Riise in the summer to smack shots wildly over the bar and into the unsuspecting faces of sleepy supporters.

--- "It won't be easy for me to choose between my strikers," parped Fabio Capello, triumphant boss of England, who after winning in Denmark last night are naturally now favourites to win Euro 2012 and the 2014 and 2018 World Cups.

--- The Arsenal flock was ordered to sit on bare stools while the head of the family again held forth on the immorality of profligacy and suggested that Chelsea, after splurging over £75m on Fernando Torres and David Luiz, are headed for yet more expenditure as well as eternal fiery torment in Hell's foulest pit.

--- It was natural that the new owners' first move to increase their profile should be to bid for a big Brazilian. The main flaw with the January bid for Ronaldinho was an apparent decision to lodge it with journalists rather than the player's agent.

--- "Manchester United? It is a great club, but I cannot say anymore," he said, before saying some more. "We will wait and see what happens during the summer. I might play abroad, but I do not know where."

--- Jack Wilshere's rare gift of being English and being able to pass the ball to someone else who is English is quite promising

--- "I think of an action but I can't do it the way I want to; it's time to go," he told reporters, who could be forgiven for expecting him to finish that sentence with the words "to Scotland".