Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Football Jokes from the Guardian

- Sir $tevie Me is agonising over whether to retire, or drop down the divisions for one last hurrah with Chelsea, and assorted England footballers are packing for a trip to Brazil, for the McDonald's Innocent Smoothies Fuji Visa World Cup finals. Never mind that they haven't qualified and won't be allowed to play, it's their destiny and they deserve to win, so they're going anyway.

- Defending just isn't as funny as it used to be at Newcastle since Titus Bramble left, so Sam Allardyce will look to bring in former Arsenal calamity Pascal Cygan quick-smart

- Derby boss Francis Begbie will ensure his side's January relegation by signing Matthew Etherington and Ricardo Vaz Te.

- Jolly Jim Magilton is said to have been tipped over the edge by his players' fecklessness. The QPR manager, who has issued a statement denying any wrongdoing, was suspended by the club today following allegations that he was involved in an alleged dressing-room altercation after his team's alleged [You don't really need that one - Fiver Lawyers] defeat at Watford on Thursday, allegedly involving Hoops midfielder Akos Buzsaky ... allegedly [That should do it - Fiver Lawyers]. Claims that Magilton also [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers] Buzsaky with his [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers] and then [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers] his [Snip! Snip! Snippety-snip! - Fiver Lawyers] are unconfirmed.

- Burglars on Merseyside won't be the only people scanning Liverpool's lengthy injury list before making their final selection and heading off to work tonight. Ahead of his side's must-win Big Cup game at Lyon, Rafa Benitez will do so too. And upon seeing the options unavailable to him, the Liverpool manager might decide his best chance of finishing the season with silverware lies in swapping his tracksuit for a stripy jumper, a Zorro-mask and a sack marked "Swag".

- "Thanks for the fix for the glitch that removed all the headings from Fiver 2.0. Have you got one for the glitch that seems to have removed all the humour?" - Simon Cherry (a reader letter)

- AC Milan either have or haven't received bids for Kaka from either, both or neither of Real Madrid or Chelsea that may or may not be in the region of GBP120m.

- After no speculation whatsoever, Javier Mascherano puts us all out of our misery by signing a four-year deal with... Liverpool! "I am at a top side and I know I can win titles here," he said with a straight face.

- Meanwhile in Liverpool, players and fans of the second-best team on Merseyside are still reeling from the latest humiliation to be heaped upon their once-proud club, which can now add the boast Comically bundled out of the 2007-08 FA Cup by Barnsley to that glorious tradition money used not be able to buy

- "This was the biggest decision of my footballing life but this is a club of champions," piped up the possibly misguided Torres, as Benitez proudly displayed a graph depicting the bottom 18 Premiership sides from last season. "Just to know Rafa has confidence in me is massive," he continued, clearly unaware that Rafa has previously had confidence in Fernando Morientes, Antonio Nunez, Jan Kromkamp, Craig Bellamy, Mauricio Pellegrino, Mark Gonzalez, Josemi, Bolo Zenden, and (tee-hee) Kuyt, to name just nine.

- He(a club coach) wants to buy Cluj striker Lacina Traore, because that's a surname that inspires instant confidence.

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