Saturday, January 22, 2011

Football Jokes from the Guardian, Part 3

--- 'It is very difficult to say "Listen you are good enough to beat Liverpool, but you are not good enough to play at Tottenham",' said Wenger, contradicting himself by saying it perfectly.

--- Spurs boss Tony Soprano remains desperate to end Spurs' eight-year wait for a trophy, mind. 'It is the only thing in football. Are you potential winners or are you average? That is what we have to find out.' He should be careful what he wishes for."

--- But aren't we forgetting something? And isn't that something the fact that Wayne Bridge isn't very good? He was possibly, but by no means certainly, good enough to be a not-quite-good-enough stand-in for the England team, and probably good enough to be back-up to the man who is good enough for the England team. But England has several other not-quite-good-enough left-backs who are not noticeably less good enough than Bridge, none of whose wives or girlfriends, so far as we know, have been romantically involved with the England captain. So we're all fine. No change. Get over it.

--- The bus was late, the dog ate my homework, my satchel spontaneously combusted. When he was a school teacher you can be sure Gérard Houllier heard every excuse imaginable. Clever man that he is, he noted them all and trotted out their football equivalents whenever his Liverpool side lost. Now he's at Lyon and performing tolerably ... and that, it seems, is good enough for the FA, who - you're going to like this - want him to be the next England manager! Magnifique! He couldn't get France to the 1994 World Cup - four years before they won the bloomin' thing - but, according to the Independent, the FA seriously thinks Houllier could be the man to guide England to Euro 2008! Admit it, all of a sudden you don't care whether Martin O'Neill is English, Irish, Greenlandian/ish/i or a Martian - you want him, don't you?

--- "Please can you refer to the other rubbish Denilson as 'the other rubbish Denilson' in future? As an Arsenal fan I nearly spat tea all over my keyboard when I read that someone paid £21.5m for him" - Rupe Ward.

--- Moving north, Celtic's own highly-rated youngster Shaun Maloney will have to decide whether Newcastle's hefty paycheck is worth the inevitable string of injuries and underwhelming career when Toon suits come knocking in January.

--- Elsewhere former Argentina coach José Pekerman will avoid the difficulties he endured this summer by taking charge of a USA team that doesn't have any great players for him to substitute at inopportune moments.

--- "Your aside about the coach being stuck in traffic - the bus, not Arsene - puts me in mind of the time I made a similar mistake on hearing of reports that the team coach had been stoned after a match," recalls Rosie Spowart.

--- "I think there is a little rule that actually doesn't allow this, but maybe if Spurs could start without Arsenal, they could go a few goals up, and get some breathing room," suggests Nick Claxtion. They could, but they'd have to win the toss and elect to kick-off first and be careful not to be offside at any stage before scoring the first goal. Then they would have to wait for one of the Arsenal players to turn up to restart the match, unless of course the ref decided that Arsenal's non-appearance constituted time-wasting. Then ... actually, I haven't really thought this through

--- As for Arsenal versus PSV, we're predicting lots of pretty play, several missed sitters and a game that ends with - oh, fancy that - Frenchmen sobbing about the unfairness of it all.

--- The days of Damien Duff being the second-best left-winger in Newcastle are over : Arsenal will snap up Charles N'Zogbia for £5m in January.

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