Thursday, January 13, 2011

Football Jokes from the Guardian, Part 2

- Arsène Wenger has spotted 74 goalkeepers better than Lukasz Fabianski and is locked in a ferocious battle with his own ego to determine whether he will admit it.

- Arsène Wenger wants to "add one player, and add more defensive strength to our team", a slightly gratuitous use of the word "more".

- Now Arsenal's complaints are getting more and more irrational: Everton having competent defenders last week, West Ham celebrating a goal yesterday.

- Chatter coming out of Marseille suggests that Arsène Wenger hasn't given up on Franck Ribéry, and might get his man in January. "Franck has a price," wibbled Marseille sporting director José Anigo, before pointing out that grass is green and water is wet.

- Milan are desperate for anyone who isn't Dida.

- Stuart pearce displaying some of the witless delusion he usually saves for his own team's press conferences. Because realising you're not very good at a young age, and then blithely ignoring the evidence, is always a firm foundation on which to build a successful career, isn't it Steve?

- "But at the moment I have a contract until 2010." By which time Eto'o will be 29, a perfect age to Ballack up the remainder of his career at a Premiership care home near you.

- If you have a manager like Roy Hodgson in charge you don't get discipline problems," he said. "Although you don't get any points either," he didn't add.

- The Mirror report that the reason England's passing was so awry against America on Saturday is not, in fact, because they are almost to a man a bunch of overrated clodhoppers, but because the FA contrived to lose 25 Jabulani balls that were delivered in February. The upshot is that England did not get to train with the official World Cup beach ball until they reached Austria in May, with the idea of getting 25 more delivered apparently beyond the wit of man.

- Chelsea have £50m to spend this summer and it'll all go on Kaká. Or Fernando Torres. Or Sergio Agüero. Or Bastian Schweinsteiger. Or possibly Dani Alves.

- OK, so the Mill is rarely funny, accurate, interesting or coherent, but at least it's always on time. Before you quibble, know that Time is the name it's given to the malodorous, hooch-stained beanbag flung in the darkest corner of GU Towers, where the Mill lies far from the boss's thoughts, out of its own mind.

- Calf knack has forced Micah Richards out of England's Euro 2008 defea... sorry, qualifier against Estonia.

- Chelsea are the only club who could grow bemused that the wrong astronomically expensive forward is scoring the goals.

- Frank Rijkaard is said to be seething at the lack of players in his first team squad sharing his first name, and has ordered the board to rectify the situation immediately (well, this summer), by trading Deco for Frank Lampard. Lampard is said to be tempted by the move after realising that £90,000 a week is still £40,000 less than Michael Ballack is getting.

- "There have been too many refereeing mistakes against us in the last 10 days. They can't be accidental" - Milan manager Carlo Ancelotti just can't understand why his side aren't getting the decisions they were last season.

- Then again, press reports routinely claim to know all sorts of things they couldn't possibly be aware of. For example, if the Mill had aspirations to be a proper sports journo, it would not content itself with telling you that free agent Didier Agathe is on the verge of signing for Aston Villa. No, in order to reinforce your belief that it is an intrepid insider it would also disclose that the deal will reap him a tidy £45,000-per-week. Not having seen the contract nor extracted the information from any of the select band of people privy to it, it couldn't have any idea whether the figure it announced so authoritatively was even in the carpark besides the ballpark, but it would sound vaguely plausible and we'd all be happy. And the needle would return to the start of the song and we'd all sing along like before; then the Mill blows its 'proper journo' cover by quoting Del Amitri.

- Niall Quinn reckons there is not enough of Ireland in Sunderland and will remedy that by signing Manchester City's Stephen.

1 comment:

Dave King said...

These are way way above the run of such jokes. Excellent.